Jim Cummings Cup Awarded to Cabbage Farmers Owner Paul Martin; Final 2018 Champs and Money Winners Announced
He ended the Regular Season in 2nd place in his own division, La División de Jamaica. He was tied for 10th in the All-Star Standings, 18th in the Pitching Standings, 3rd in the Hitting Standings, and 4th in the Overall Standings. Even during the playoffs he was nowhere near first until Game 4 of the World Series, when a dinger off the bat of Yasiel Puig propelled him into 2nd place Overall. From there it was who he didn’t have on his roster — Clayton Kershaw, giver-upper of three home runs during last night’s painful Dodger loss — that moved him into first place Overall and made Paul Martin, owner of the Cabbage Farmers, the 2018 Overall Champion and rightful earner of the Jim Cummings Cup.
“Yeah, well, see, okay … who the hell thought that would happen,” Paul asked while wearing a wheat-grass soaked jersey from the locker room celebrations in Costa Mesa, CA, while eating fish tacos. “Scott Allen, man, his Scoots Bigelow, I was convinced he had it locked. I didn’t even know I had won tonight until they dragged me into the locker room to celebrate, that’s how certain I was that Scoot would win. I was too busy watching the riveting 'Real Housewives of Orange County' on Bravo. Like Kelly, I too am concerned about whether or not her mother's becoming a hermit. And Meghan, gosh, I sure hope she makes her way back to Orange County after the birth of her baby, Aspen.”
Allen, meanwhile, was on pins and needles the whole time with a slim 23-point lead going into Game 5. During the game, Scoot said: "Feeling the pressure ... no idea if Davey Roberts or Paul Martin is more of a genius ... but if Yasiel Puig beats me, god bless. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.”
After the game, Allen said from the losing locker room, “The Puig clock was right, damnit. Congrats to Cabbage, though! I’m sad and all, but #Mattmcduffie will make my day. Bitchen for Paul, though."
Indeed. As in, 815 bits of dollar-like bitcheness, plus a pass on next season's ownership fees, coming up to a grand total of $915 worth of winnings, a nice windfall for the Cabbage Farmers owner, who has been in the SLPL continuously since 2001 without winning a major championship before now. That's quite a season for a guy that was completely out of the money at the end of the Regular Season.
“Yeah, sure, that’s cool and all, but the part that’s really sweet is that I’m the first blood relation of Jim Cummings to win the Jim Cummings Cup,” Paul said.
The Jim Cummings Cup is named after the 2005 Overall Champ, who died in 2013, and is given each year in honor of winning the Overall SLPL Championship. It’s a coffee cup, not an athletic cup, though all the sudden league head honchos are rethinking that choice, given that we just remembered that Jim was said to be an excellent ballplayer.
"As Jim's first-cousin once-removed, it is an extra special honor to win the overall championship and the Jim Cummings Cup,” Paul said, looking skyward. "This one’s for you, Jim!"
In the pot this 2018 season, $3,780 is being spread across nine winners, with $225 of that being set aside for whoever wins the HOF Death Pool.
Here are all the official champs and final money-winners for the 2018 season:
- Overall Champ: Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers
- Playoff Champ: Scott Allen, Scoots Bigelow
Regular Season Champs
- Regular Season Champ: Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
- Hitting Champ: Tom Kinchus, Donde Esta Mi Cerveza
- Pitching Champ: Rube Furrow, Ben Carson's Woody
- All-Star Champ: Vince Livernois, Citzen Inane
- La División Culantro Champ: Tony Livernois, Los Monos de Pepino
- La División de Berros Champ: Tom Kinchus, Donde Esta Mi Cerveza
- La División de Caña de Azúcar Champ: Samuel Lewis, The Chuck Nasty Fan Club
- La División de Jamaica Champ: Rube Furrow, Ben Carson's Woody
- La División de la Calabaza Champ: Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped
- La División de la Cebolla Verde Champ: Scott Allen, Scoots Bigelow
- $815 + next season's ownership fees - Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers - Overall Champ
- $815 - Kevin Klinkhamer, Dongwhipped - Regular Season Champ
- $400 - Scott Allen, Scoots Bigelow - Playoffs Champ + La División de la Cebolla Verde Champ
- $400 - Tom Kinchus, Donde Esta Mi Cerveza - Hitting Champ + La División de Berros Champ
- $400 - Rube Furrow, Ben Carson's Woody - Pitching Champ + La División de Jamaica Champ
- $200 - Vince Livernois, Citzen Inane - All-Star Champ
- $175 - Tony Livernois, Los Monos de Pepino - La División Culantro Champ
- $175 - Samuel Lewis, The Chuck Nasty Fan Club - La División de Caña de Azúcar Champ
- $175 - Susan Crohare - The Pretenders - next most deserving for Division based on points, replacing Kevin Klinkhamer
Winner to be Named Later
There's still one payout to be made for the season since we extend our Hall-of-Fame Death Pool for each season until the beginning of the next season. This means that we will start next season by handing out a check to our final winner. Doc Ellis D owner Frank Sumrall and Donde Esta Mi Cerveza owner Tom Kinchus currently lead the HOF Deal Pool with 75 points.
Congratulations to Paul Martin and his Cabbage Farmers! Congrats all to all our other champs and money winners! And thanks to all of you for joining us for a most-excellent season. We look forward to seeing you all next year.
P.S. IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO ALL MONEY-WINNERS: Please use this form to give us your preferred snail mail address so Rube can send your check. Or, if you would like him to send you a PayPal transfer, let us know that instead by including your PayPal information.
Game 4 goes to the Red Sox, which pretty much cuts off all hope that this Series might be even remotely interesting. It appears the Dodgers are going down like kittens in a burlap sack. Oh, well.
Anyway, there were massive implications of Game 4 on the SLPL, which we actually care about, because Puig homered, which places Cabbage Farmers owner Paul Martin squarely in second place, both in the Playoffs Standings and the Overall Standings. Scoot Bigs owner Scott Allen appears to have the upper hand, with 7 out of 12 playoffs players on his team, but a single strikeout by a hitter or a pitcher could make the difference given that he's only seven points ahead in the Overall standings. This league!
Game 3 goes to the Dodgers and I had six major ass surgeries that combined took less time than this debacle of a game and were only slightly more painful. Christ. Someone please put this Series out of our misery.
Anyway, there are massive implications on the SLPL, which we do care about, that came about because Muncy put that game out of our misery. With that game winning dong, Scoot Bigs owner Scott Allen has moved into first place in both the Playoffs Standings and, more importantly, the Overall Standings. With 7 out of 12 playoffs players on his team, can he possibly lose either championship? That, we're interested in seeing.
Game 2 also goes to the Red Sox and I care even less about the World Series than I did yesterday. Maybe, if we get to a Game 6, maybe can I see myself caring an iota about this Series.
Anyway, there are (minor) SLPL implications, which we do care about. Here's how things look after Game 2:
I guess it's going to be the Red Sox vs. Dodgers. Well. So. That. Can anybody in the world do anything in the world to help us care even an iota about either of these teams? Please? Give it your best shot. We want to care, because It's the World Series and all, but we just don't. Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? (Not that Buehler!) Bueller? Anybody?
Well, there is this: The Santa Lechuga Power League! Yes! We care about that! A lot. And the World Series stats, as you know, feed into our beloved league, so there's a strong reason to care. Specifically:
During the World Series...
. Hitters earn 100 points for every home run hit
. Hitters lose 10 points for every K
. Pitchers earn 10 points for every K
. Pitchers lose 50 points for every homer surrendered
That's pretty awesome. Oh, it it appears that there are a dozen players left in on our World Series rosters, six from each team, so lots of chances for teams to make a splash.
Here's where things stand as of right now, the end of the Championship Seriezez and before the World Series.
Good luck to one and all! (Though, if I had to lay down my nickel right now, I'd put it on Scott Allen and his Scoots Bigelow to win the Playoffs and maybe even take the Overall. Check out his playoff roster. He has seven of those 12 playoff players! Sure, lot of ways to lose points, but also lots of ways to earn points.)
Baseball Furies owner Ray Jasutis formally submitted protest papers yesterday to SLPL offices.
Unfortunately, we hold zero sway with the MLB and have zero abilities — either bureaucratically or emotionally — to deal with a formal protest. We are afraid Ray, who has written the best SLPL blog fodder of the season here, is just going to have to win the Playoffs championship hobbled by bad umpiring.
I’d like to protest (Wednesday's) call by Joe West robbing me of a home run and those precious playoff points. Do the Santa Lechuga commissioners have what it takes to overturn that call and make it right? I’d expect you to have some clout with MLB, so I’m hoping you can help out. If you’re not interested in pursuing Joe West’s robbing one (or two) of your owners, I will be forced to pursue this on my own by calling The MLB office (recorded with their permission) about this travesty and attempt to have them overturn the call. I’m more than happy to share that recording with the commissioners and the league if you see fit. Please let me know if I have to pursue this on my own. MLB’s phone number: Customer Support toll-free number:866-800-1275 Thank you?
Oh, and yes, please do share your recording!
The Championship Seriezez are off to a raucous start, Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer is back in first place Overall, and SLPL Commissioner Rube Furrow is scouting out new and different fantasy sport options. Despite all the great things he heard about the sports in Australia, he appears to be striking out down under. To whit:
I'm asking my mates at SLPL because I know them to be some of the more savvy sportsmen in the universe (why else would they participate in SLPL?). But I sat in the grandstands in a green field in Dubbo, Australia, for a good 30 minutes yesterday and tried to figure out what these buggers were doing. Their activity seemed sort of like a "sport" in that men tried to strike a ball with a stick, much like baseball and the San Francisco 49ers' current roster. And the other participants mostly stood around and did nothing. Again, much like baseball. Beyond that, there seemed to be no rhyme or reason for anything anybody was doing, up to including some weird bit of jogging between some sticks posted in the ground. I wondered the point of it all, but came up empty. Can anybody help?
How Do I Convert This to Fantasy Points?
Um. Er. What?
If anyone can help, please email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?! Australia?!?! You call that a sport? I mean, seriously, W?! T?! F?!
Thanks for the pickup, Michael. Though I suspect it won't be enough to get us out of the funk, we appreciate that people care enough to write us to try to help. Truly.
I would like to tell you that to the best of my knowledge you have executed every roster move/trade perfectly. So you got that going for you…
Hopefully your Indians will WTFU when they get to Cleveland. Although appreciate Francisco Lindor's homer in a losing effort.
In this Sunday Morning Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?!, we express our disappointment in ourselves …
Yeah, so, we got everything up and running again, finally, which is what we were hoping to do, but within an hour or two one owner — sorry about that, DJay Andersen! — wrote us to let us know that we had pretty much screwed up his entire playoff roster, which, you know, was our only job, not getting rosters screwed up. He was kind enough to tell us we got his pitching roster right, which we needed to know, but it was at that point when we realized that he was going out of his way to be nice to us, likely because he was thinking we are probably a little, I dunno, maybe slow or dumb or stupid or not paying attention or something? but he wouldn't have been wrong in that assessment because we, you know, got everything else wrong on a single roster so maybe there was something fundamentally wrong with us.
Which makes use think, what else have we gotten wrong?
Please, owners, check your playoff rosters. Check your trades. And do us a big favor and double-check every interaction you have had with us in the last two months to see if we were coherent, speaking comprehensibly, and even apparently awake. If you come across anything that makes you think maybe we're a bit off — Paul Martin, no need to report that I told you the Browns had won a game a week before they actually won a game since I've already taken note of that concerning incident — please let us know and we'll print it out and be ready to show the doctor should someone drive us to the doctor because they to are really concerned about us. The documentation could prove useful. And if there's enough, I'll just go ahead and drive myself.
We are worried about us.
And it's not that existential worry like the kind you get when you realize that a heinous, rapey frat boy was just confirmed as a Supreme Court justice and will ruin the lives of everyone in our country but mostly women and the downtrodden while creating even more downtrodden for the next 30 years, but more of a dull, hazy, what-else-have-I-let-fall-through-the-cracks? sort of worry.
Or maybe those two worries are related?
Hey, look, the playoffs have started! Let's enjoy us the playoffs! How are my Indians doing?
Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?! us?!?! Why does literally everything in the world bring us so down? I mean, seriously, W?! T?! F?!
If all is up and running like we're hoping it's up and running, we're finally up and running for the playoffs. Check this out. Is your roster right? Have we processed all trades appropriately? Are things tracking? If not, let us know ASAP and we'll make the fixes. And good luck the rest of the way.
(Now, don't get us started with what it took to get things up and running! We've been refining this damned Excel spreadsheet for 19 seasons and this season Microsoft decided to just boof our cell names, indiscriminately, for no good reason, which meant we pretty much had to re-do the entire playoffs worksheets. FN Microsoft.)
Meanwhile, many other champs were crowned at the end of Monday's action, which marked the official end of the 2018 Regular Season. Check out these winners:
- La División Culantro Champ: Los Monos de Pepino (1), Tony Livernois
• La División de Berros Champ: Donde Esta Mi Cerveza (6), Tom Kinchus
• La División de Caña de Azúcar Champ: he Chuck Nasty Fan Club (4), Samuel Lewis
• La División de Jamaica Champ: Ben Carson's Woody (13), Rube Furrow
• La División de la Calabaza Champ: Dongwhipped (30), Kevin Klinkhamer
• La División de la Cebolla Verde Champ: Scoots Bigelow (7), Scott Allen
• Hitting Champ: Donde Esta Mi Cerveza (6), Tom Kinchus
• Pitching Champ: Ben Carson's Woody (13), Rube Furrow
• Regular Season Champ: Dongwhipped (30), Kevin Klinkhamer
Congratulations to Kevin Klinkhamer and to all our Regular Season champs!
(By the way, actual money winners will be announced at the end of the playoffs, after the Overall Champ is crowned.)
In Other News
Owners can no longer make any trades for the 2018 season.
More In Other News
The playoffs have begun, but today's spreadsheet does not reflect any playoff stats. It may take a day or two before we get the spreadsheet up and running.
Sill More In Other News
Y’all need to know how points are awarded during the Wild Card and Divisional Playoffs. Here’s how:
- Hitters earn 20 points for every home run hit
- Hitters lose 2 points for every K
- Pitchers earn 2 points for every K
- Pitchers lose 10 points for every homer surrendered
Good luck to all y’alls during the playoffs!
Anyway, we are headed to Columbus, OH and won't be back until late Wednesday night. Which means, it may not be until Thursday before we have the website up-and-running to close out the Regular Season and open up the playoffs. Sorry about that.